These past days were challenging, from the roller coaster ride (Part 1) to feeling really depressed (Part 2). And then –
It was time to pay bills, so I literally made a list (with steps) as to what to do and how to do it (things I’ve done for years) because I don’t trust my ability to think clearly these days. Lots of anxiety last night and this morning and yet I got it done.
A friend was talking about her thoughts recently about end-of-life stuff, like she was really concerned about it. For some reason, that reminded me of another friend saying something about Netanyahu and all the people of Gaza, like they were really concerned. And I’m just not…really not attached to the outside world, the 3D, much at all in that way. Not sure I ever have been other than the emotional turmoil life has brought me specifically. Even then, sometimes
it feels like there’s been a barrier so I don’t seem to feel deeply, but there’s an ocean of awfulness below everything. And then I wondered if being detached like this was preventing me from fully experiencing life in human form.
I got on the computer again, trying to get some other fairly simple things done with the internet going in and out. Frustrated, I decided to go get ice cream (comfort food anyone?)…which I had successfully avoided a few days before and tried to talk myself out of again (carefully, lovingly, consciously choosing the ‘right’ action). And then I had my jacket on, went to the car, turned back intending to meditate (which has not come easy lately), sat down to meditate and got up again, put my jacket back on and went to get ice cream. Ate a pint when I got home and was calmer. The need to get ice cream was so strong! Of course, after that, the internet was working well long enough for me to get done what I needed to.
Later I was reading a novel. Tears came when someone gave a really loving special gift to someone he didn’t know but was hurt at one of his events. It was about receiving, giving love, compassion. I thought to breathe it down into my heart and then I got confused around was that working, what worked anyhow, what was my wisdom and what was everyone else’s and did that matter…
I’m not sure how it happened, but I was finally able to sit in meditation. No tears, lots of yawns, and then I heard my Soul Self start talking about this intrepid defender, a primitive man, Cro-Magnon, a hunter/gatherer, planted 
the seeds of humanity. He was peaceful unless challenged, very black and white, little joy, takes what he wants, very simple world and choices, rules don’t matter, he’s just surviving. His wife and family were killed by marauders. He was still in fear/survival mode, instinct, don’t think just do – he had a solid heavy laden feeling, safety is serious, great sadness and fear with some anger – and he died alone. He’s an ancestor present in me, and this has affected my lineage, passing it on through DNA. Wasn’t sure what to make of this although it was clearly about depression. My body was tingling and my mind was quiet – which was surprising (the quiet mind part).
the seeds of humanity. He was peaceful unless challenged, very black and white, little joy, takes what he wants, very simple world and choices, rules don’t matter, he’s just surviving. His wife and family were killed by marauders. He was still in fear/survival mode, instinct, don’t think just do – he had a solid heavy laden feeling, safety is serious, great sadness and fear with some anger – and he died alone. He’s an ancestor present in me, and this has affected my lineage, passing it on through DNA. Wasn’t sure what to make of this although it was clearly about depression. My body was tingling and my mind was quiet – which was surprising (the quiet mind part).So I made something to eat and streamed a TV show. Afterwards I realized I can feel that in me: no fun, joy, planning, just do and stay safe, dead inside. So unexpected, yet so right on. I only know to love him with compassion and light his path home. This is so like the deep depression, the strong desire to leave, that I’ve experienced most of my life. He kinda feels like ‘Patient Zero’ for depression in my ancestors – maybe more than that, maybe in my family of origin. Doesn’t matter…I’ll just keep breathing and smiling and simply be for the moment, let it sink in. My mind isn’t sure how that all works, or if he’s still around in some way. I don’t have to know – I guess I’ll find out these next days.
Is this normal? Then again, what’s normal? I just know that this is what I’ve experienced. How does this all fit together, all of these experiences? How can my mind make sense of this? As I opened to higher perspectives in the days that followed, I began to realize the awesome gifts that came to me through all of this: Putting It All Together – Part 4…coming soon enough.
From my heart to yours,
Eloecea
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Cro-Magnon
Artist’s reconstruction of a Cro-Magnon, an early modern human in Europe.
Courtesy of the American Museum of Natural History, New York
https://www.britannica.com/topic/Cro-Magnon
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