Spring continues with sprouts of new possibilities (higher perspectives from the bigger picture) in the midst of weeds (old fear-based attachments) waiting to be removed:
I’m feeling so lost now…able to do basic stuff, and good with it, yet pretty much floating around somewhere. I’ve been chewing on (yeah, my mind was very busy) whether to post something since the holiday weekend was coming up. I decided to do so and then the boxes story unfolded. That was fun :), feeling my Soul Self and human self flow the insights and words onto the page. Of course, then I got to dither (again, busy mind) between writing just because it was fun vs checking to see who/if anyone opened the post email. I decided it wasn’t an either/or but a both/and.
Another day I gathered all the little notes I’ve made the past few weeks/months and put them into a Word doc. They were generally thoughts/ideas on things to write/talk about, new insights and tools that helped me through the years. This was fun stuff and I got to throw away all those little pieces of paper, too.
And I can’t remember much of what else has transpired…except yesterday I got caught in the whole Paypal thing again. I can’t understand why this business account is so impossible to set up. The person I worked with last fall must have had a ‘tickler file’ because I got an email from her suggesting that I complete the application for a business account. I spent the morning gathering and filling out the info they needed. Then I wrote her an email about where the application got stuck last time and let it go. And…spent the rest of the day breathing off and on through aches in my upper back, shoulders and into my neck and head (familiar symptoms of stress and releasing the old stuck energy).
I chose to sleep on the Paypal thing. Didn’t hear anything the next morning from the email I sent so just deleted the account application. I’m not castigating myself (OK, I can use big words even if I’m lost) for getting stuck in that tedious trap again – more like relieved with the reminder/guidance that it’s not for Expanding Consciousness.
I haven’t had an emotional release since a conversation with a friend about tears pushing everything up into the head. I’m wondering if some part of me took that literally and decided no more tears…and it doesn’t really matter, I guess. I can kinda feel the emotions there (mostly sad), but they aren’t coming up as they have for the past 20+ years. I seem to be smiling often, with or without conscious connection to breathing. It’s just different – no self judgment, right?
I have thoughts about writing another post or playing with recording something, yet no desire or focus to do so. Nothing is interesting, books, computer games, streaming, exploring. I feel dead inside and I’m craving old comfort foods. Told myself this morning to just take it one step, one choice at a time. Not sure what’s coming up, or if it’s just being released. This expanding process keeps shifting and it feels like I (my human self) am just along for the ride sometimes.
OK, writing this out helped. I know this place. I’m depressed! Funny it took me this long to realize that. Spent the majority of my life in this place. Such a familiar pattern of forcing myself to get up, do stuff, act as if I belong or understand what’s going on, what I should be doing. I was treated for depression, on antidepressants for over 10 years, and I treated many others with depressive symptoms as a psychologist.
And then came 2000 and my introduction to the bigger picture, the ‘More’ I was searching for. As my awareness expanded and my connection with my Soul Self deepened in the following years, I was able to let go of the medications and was gradually lifted out of that awful dark place of depression, living more and more in the bigger picture.
Pretty clearly, the events of the previous roller coaster days triggered some deeply hidden emotions and made them available for release – another layer of the proverbial onion. The ‘diagnosis’ wasn’t obvious because I’m so detached from my old patterns of thinking at the moment. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this, and I am so very grateful for that.
What an effective if surprising awareness! Now that I have a label, my mind can relax, letting the emotions come up and be lifted! This is grief work…re-experiencing deep sadness and wisps of anger (fragments of past trauma) and letting them go. It helps when my mind understands what is happening. Good thing there’s nothing I really have to do to help this process other than allow :)…and remember this is part of Discovering My Soul Self, of Expanding into Unity Consciousness!
After a few days of this, I received even more insight while in meditation. What this was all about, how all these experiences were connected, was not at all what I expected – and yet so very fascinating! The story continues to unfold in Part 3, coming soon enough.
From my heart to yours,
Eloecea
2 Comments
Dan Meylink
Depression is no stranger to me, either. The negative energy, the foul mood, seeps into my consciousness without me being aware that something is happening. It sometimes takes a while for me to realize that the Dark Cloud is back. The only remedy that I’ve found to be of much help is to try to get busy doing something — but that’s far easier said than done when you feel like you’re wearing a cement jacket. My only true survival mechanism to remind myself that “this too shall pass. I’ve been here before; I won’t stay here, so don’t panic”.
Eloecea
Thank you for sharing your experience with depression so poignantly, Dan. The thoughts and actions you describe have been our primary ways of finding any relief in the past. I hope you will find new possibilities in my next post. It truly is an ancestral, energetic issue carried forward in our DNA. Perhaps, at this time, we can choose a different perspective that brings new hope. Stay tuned…